Angels

All in all this situation just sucked. HARD CORE. Like I mentioned before Jon and I had a list about what we wanted in adoptive parents. Some of the things we wanted on that list was 4 or less hours away, in a stable marrage,had a degree, valued education, had a pet, good house, not overly rich, but not poor,didnt already have kids and some religous beliefs. As the e-mails went back and forth each question got answered and i started to fall in love with this random couple, THEY WERE PERFECT ... Of course i also wanted to give other people a chance so i took my list to my social worker who would get me files of other adoptive parents and Jon, My Mom, Jons Mom and my self sat around a bigggg table looking at other peoples files about why they wanted our baby.. why they wanted a baby at all even. I was a bit disappointed in my Social worker at this point.. she gave me files of parents that already had 2 kids.. that were poor, that didnt even graduate high school. Nobody fit the card that i wanted.

I had people tell me "you can't be picky, youre not gonna find someone who fits EVERYTHING on your list" and guess what i said?
SCREW YOU! this is MY baby and im gonna find the most PERFECT people in the world. Only the best will get this baby.. and if i cant find them, then she is staying with me. I was determinded to find the angels that walked the planet who would become the parents of my own little angel.

I Knew this was what i had to do.. I had to do it.

All but only one

All But Only One

A tiny heart beating slowly,
A hard decision to be made,
A life and school and future planned,
A huge price must be paid.

A tear that flows down her cheek,
stains her broken heart.
she has to make the decision soon,
and she knows it will leave a mark.

All day and night she thinks and thinks,
to make a choice thats right.
Its hard on her and everyone,
because this is such a fright

The day came for the final thought,
and she cried all over again,
because after thinking all day and night
she just couldn't hide the pain.

She made the decision thats right for her
even tho everyone else disagreed.
She gave away her special gift,
to someone else in need.


-- Kate

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Hai there. Jon here. Hope things are going well for you all. Now, let's see.

I must admit, I think I was ages behind Kate about this whole pregancy thing. She was looking at possible parents for our child, and I was still trying to get my head around the fact that I was going to be a father, if not a dad. Ages behind. Some days, even now, when I'm just sitting back and thinking about things... some days it's still hard to believe it happened. But then I just go look on Facebook at my loverly child and it kinda snaps me back to the present. It was just... hard to believe. This is me HUGELY sterotyping, but I figured the only kids who got pregnant were... THOSE kids. You know the ones, the ones that didn't have the best family, had problems, did drugs, yadda yadda yadda. That's what I thought. Needless to say, the fact that I had gotten Kate pregnant didn't exactly make me feel too great. I wanted to help in whatever way I could, but... it's like saying you want to help all those poor children you see in those heartwrenching commercials, that you want to do more than just sending money, but... you don't. Maybe 'cause you're scared, or busy, or lazy, or whatever, but you don't. You don't want to get your hands dirty. I think that sums up me in a nutshell during this time... I didn't do a lot. Didn't want to get my hands dirty. I didn't know what to do. Kate wanted me to do this sometimes, my parents said this, friends said that... What about me? All I wanted to do was please everyone, but that was a little late.

I remember one day, Kate mentioned something (rather offhandedly I thought at the time) about this couple her aunt had found or something (sorry, can't remember the details =( ) and they were looking for a child. She had been emailing them and I should read the aforementioned emails and see what I think. Well, maybe that day wasn't a good day for me, or I was mad, or stressed, or stupid (probably a combination of the former and the latter), but I didn't really read them. I gave a little skim read, said the expected "That's nice," and continued to eat my lunch. I was skeptical. What's to prevent these yokels from scamming us or something? Breaking our hearts, leaving us with a baby that we just couldn't keep? I was suspicious of everyone. I didn't want to be used. Shifty eyes.

I better not tell the whole story, and sorry for pretty much counterpointing Kate and Kristen. (they are scared but optimistic, and I'm just depressing and a jerk. Mah bad.)

Taking a leap of faith

I knew i had to give my baby up, say what you might but i knew in my heart thats what i had to do. I was still in school, i didnt have a job (neither did Jon) But i knew thats what i had to do... Till i went to my first ultrasound and i fell in love. What was i gonna do now? Well, I figured that while i sat up on the fence id still get my adoption figured out just in case. I went to see my Social worker, whom might i add, I LOVED HER! Kathy made everything so clear, it made sense and she was soo supportive of Jon and I.

Now lets back up just a bit. When i was about 11 weeks into my pregnancy i went to visit some family. My aunt had a friend that adopted a baby boy and she wanted me to talk to her and ask her questions. After seeing how happy she (and her son) were i felt that i needed more information. She gave me a few websites, blogs and books to read/look at. One of thoes Blogs belonged to Kristen and Dave. At first i just looked and then didnt think anything of it till my mom called me to her office one day (arounf march i think?). She told me that she was looking at this blog and felt in her heart that she had to message them. My mom has always been a woman to trust her gut, but this time it would be a big risk, a huge jump, so i thought about it and said go for it. My mom then started to e-mail Kristen.

Now before all this went down Jon and I had a list of what we wanted in partents and so we started to ask questions that would give us the honest answer... and the e-mails went on and on.

During this time, even tho we were trying to figure out how this adoption thing would work i was trying to figure out how to keep my baby... but there was no way i could make it happen.. Maybe if i was older and going to graduate soon, but that wasnt the case. I wasnt ready to be a mom thats forsure.. so we kept up with the e-mails...

I love roller coasters, don't I?

Okay I'm back. Sorry it's taken me so long to write, but with Christmas, trying to sell a house, chasing Muggie around and looking for a job my free time has been, well pretty non-existent to say the least. So where did I leave off? Right, Dave and I decided to hop on the private adoption roller coaster, despite the nagging doubts that plagued us both. "Would we get our hearts broken?" "What about our Ethiopian daughter?" We hadn't received a referral from our adoption agency, but in our hearts we were already parents to a beautiful little girl from Africa. Despite our reservations we climbed into the roller coaster seat, held tightly on to the rail and took a deep breath as we moved slowly toward the first incline. We communicated by email with Kate's mom for the first little while. After we agreed to be considered as parents, we received an email with a series of questions asking about our background, i.e. our education, interests, values, religion, etc. Looking back now, these questions were by far the hardest to answer because we didn't know what Kate and Jon were looking for. I remember staring at the questions, knowing exactly what the answers would be and scared out of my mind that we were going to get it wrong. Clicking the send button filled us with excitement and terror and all we could do was wait. If the Guiness Book of World Records was working on the most times an email account was checked you would have seen my name in bold letters next to the entry. It was almost like waiting for "that guy" to call - you ladies know what I'm talking about. But, as you may have guessed, we did hear back and that email led to more emails and then one day I got a message from Kate. It was under her mother's email address, but Kate introduced herself and we chatted via email a number of times. At this point Dave and I had no idea what Kate and Jon looked like, so when Kate asked if we'd like to see a picture we were ecstatic. When the pictures finally came through we were amazed. Kate and Jon were so beautiful, but not just physically. When we saw their picture, we could see how young they were, but also how completely wise they were. Mature beyond their years. I loved them both instantly. After many more emails, I got a message from Kate's mother telling us that Kate and Jon's birthdays were coming up (only a few days apart). I read and re-read the message and then finally replied asking what she thought was appropriate. When she suggested a phone call might be nice I was floored. I now know how guys feel when a girl they like tells them to call, complete and utter panic! I called Kate on her birthday but got the answering machine. She called back later that day and we talked for about 3 hours (maybe longer Kate?) Things were looking good, but Dave and I were still only cautiously optimistic. The roller coaster ride wasn't over yet....

Genesis

So I'm sitting there, right, just sitting, y'know, and then this big bear comes out and... oh! Hello. Didn't see you there. I see you're reading this blog. Good on you. It's a very interesting blog for sure. This whole deal started a long time ago, perhaps three or some years ago. I say three or some years ago because if things happen for a reason, then this could be interpreted as I dated Kate, ergo had a child. I dunno. But I made the choice to pursue a romantic relationship with Katelyn, and maybe that's where it all started. I know that I wouldn't change anything if I were given the chance to do so. This whole experience has made me who I am today, so if I were to change things, I would change me, and I don't want to do that. Anyway, once Kate told me she was spaghetti sauce (Prego, get it? It's a joke ha ha), a lot of things were going through my mind. One was "Oh bonkers, I'm dead." Another one was the fact that even though I was super surprised, I wasn't surprised at all. After all, as someone so bluntly put it to me, we were like rabbits. And if you don't understand that, then Google rabbits and their reproduction habits. Just don't search on Google images. That could be bad. Anyway, I was quite... perturbed to say the least. I guess it was the fact that I didn't want this to happen to me, beecause it was supposed to happen to other people, but I knew that we were really asking for it. That fact didn't make it any more palatable. I blew (mostly) everything way out of proportion. I was convinced that I would get excommunicated from my home, that the sky was gonna fall, that this was gonna happen, that blah blah blah. I wasn't sure if I wanted a baby when I was married. I definatly didn't want a baby now, of all times. What to do. I guess you'll find out more later, now that I can hAkkz0rz this account when I wants. =D Check you later.

Finding out

Who knew that I, Kate... would become pregant at only 15. I was scared, so worried.. I didnt know what to do or what would happen. I was only a child still in school attenting grade 10. I had full support of my family when i told them. Of course my mom cried and my dad swore, My brother hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. My boyfriend stayed by my side which, to this day i am very gratful for. Of couse being so young i had many things to consider, Should i have an abortion so i could just go on with my life like nothing happened? Should i keep the baby like i so despratly wanted and try to give it the best life possible while i tired to get my education? ... or should i give it to a couple that deserved a baby... that could take care if it, love it, support it? ... I had a hard decison to make, an adult decision that only i, a fifteen year old girl could make....